I saw Jase walk into the bathroom tonight to go potty and he had a very sad look on his face. I heard him kind of whimpering so I went in there to check on him. He told me that his mouth hurt. The last time he said that, he vomited shortly after. But maybe this time it's just a sore throat. Either way, I sat down on his little red stool and scooped him up to snuggle him. He about fell asleep in my arms there in the bathroom. I love my little man to pieces. It's moments like these, sick or not, that make me so grateful that I have the opportunity to be a mother.
I took him into his room and made a gesture to Matthew to follow {he knew that meant bedtime}. I rocked him in his chair for about a minute and asked if I could sing him a song. I got out maybe 4 words before I started to cry. Matthew asked me what was wrong and I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about Tawnya. He held my hand for a while as I rocked Jase and let the tears stream down my cheeks.
Tawnya is my sister in law {well, my sisters sister in law} and a very good friend to me. After 10 years of trying to conceive she was able to get pregnant. She was just over 19 weeks along and she had her baby today. They named him Anthony. God had a different plan for this little angels life.
I felt so selfish. As though I was taking life for granted. Matthew and I have been trying to grow our family for the past 2 years and I have been having such a hard time about the fact that it is just not happening. Yet here I was, holding my very own sweet boy whom I have been blessed with for the past {almost} 4 years when my dear friend was only able to be with her sweet blessing for just 4 hours. It's just not fair.
I have had 2 other sisters in law that have had the same experience {one still trying and one with 3 little boys}, a sister that needed IVF to conceive {successful on her second round with twins} and a sister that has had several miscarriages {who has given me 2 nieces and 2 nephews} and yet, for some reason, I feel doubly and emotionally effected by this. This beautiful woman does not deserve such heartbreak. None of my sisters do or did. No one does.
I cannot begin to understand what she or any of my sisters have gone through. I know that they are stronger women for it and I admire them so much.
I guess before {when my other sisters were going through this}, I wasn't at the point of having fertility issues {that I was aware of} so, although I was truly heartbroken for my family I wasn't quite understanding of the actual pain that they were going through with the loss of a child. I know that I cannot begin to understand what they did feel or what they may still be feeling but I do now understand that it is not so easy to hear the words "what's meant to be will be" and "when it's meant to happen, it will happen". I do know that it hurts, though, but that there is a purpose to everything even if we don't understand it.
I just want to let all of my sisters know that that they mean the world to me. I admire all of you for your strengths, your faith and your courage through the difficult times you've endured. I am so proud to be able to be a part of your lives.
I love you Kimberly, Jessica, Miranda, Michelle and Tawyna. With all of my heart.
4 comments:
That is so sweet Jenny! It was definitely one of the hardest but also one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Amazing, because I literally felt God's love for me and for Jacob's special little spirit. And now his brothers will always have their angel brother looking over them, as my sister looks over me.
There are so many women who suffer these things, I never knew until I went through it myself. I have a good internet friend in Canada that lost her baby shortly after I lost Jacob at 37 weeks pregnant. It was her only girl. Just last week, she had a miscarriage. It's heartbreaking and you're right you don't want to hear that it is meant to be. I came to that conclusion myself and now feel complete comfort in where he is, but I don't want to hear from anyone that "it was meant to be". That's only for the person dealing with the trial to be able to feel.
Ok that was a novel... I don't understand infertility because I have never had that issue, but I can imagine how hard it is. Hope you get your miracle soon. I have a friend who has been infertile for 8+ years, adopted 2 boys and is now 23 weeks pregnant. Miracles do happen.
The lose of a child is by far one of the hardest things to deal with! It is amazing to learn how many people have to deal with it. It is so common. That doesn't make it easier. But it helps with having people understand the pain others are going through. My Aunt had 7 miscarriages in a row. Luckily she had 3 children before that happened. She was never able to conceive again. I have had one and I don't know if I could ever handle another. Not being able to conceive is difficult. I haven't had to experience that but can imagine since I should have had my baby and so many of my friends were having kids around me and I couldn't. Hang in there girl! And if you aren't able to conceive... you can bless your life and the life of another child that was born into a situation that wasn't ideal. My heart goes out to all those families that have lost little ones and aren't able to have their own. God is watching out for us... I just wish I knew his plan.
Love you too, sweetie. Infertility was the hardest trial I have ever gone through, and I don't wish it upon anyone. It just shouldn't have to be that hard. I wish I had the answer and the right thing to say. Like Michelle said, miracles do happen. Keep the faith!
Love you , Jenny.
Oh my sweet girl, I love you beyond words.
Mom
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